[Watch our Madame Web review above or read it below!]

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My Damn Web. What the actual f –

Let’s start with the good news: the movie ends.

Yes, what you’ve heard is sadly true. This movie is bad. Truly awful. Among the worst superhero films… ever.

The Damn Web has a screenplay that was written by four screenwriters. Four! Which is mind-boggling. This is a collection of cliches just clumsily thrown together to form one lousy attempt at a superhero origin story. And it features dialogue just so laughable that… yeah, laughing is probably the only way to get through it.

And the cast here doesn’t help at all. Performances are awkward and flat. Even if you happen to be a fan of Dakota Johnson and Sydney Sweeney, you’ll still be struggling.

And what’s up with Tahar Rahim, the actor who plays the villain? His dialogue and vocals seem to have been replaced so carelessly, it’s like someone behind the scenes really had it out for this guy.

And if you’re looking for that spider-women superhero team-up action that the marketing has teased… False marketing.

My Damn Web gets so, so much wrong, from story structure, to editing, to acting, to visual effects. I’ll be interested to find out where the blame shifts over time.